Stages of enduring a bad movie | The Daily Star

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12:00 AM, February 01, 2018 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, February 01, 2018

Stages of enduring a bad movie

Given how productive Holly, Bolly and Dhali-wood are, it's inevitable that there will be some below-par movies among the Oscar-worthy ones. Of course, below-par movies have nothing on bad movies. For almost-literal piles of hot garbage, these films sure are proficient at wasting our time.

In homage to the hours spent trying to derive enjoyment from bad films, today we're going to look at the sequence of emotions we feel en route to withstanding a bad film. Try not to get PTSD, ladies and gentlemen. 

A NEW HOPE

You stride confidently into the movie hall with a heart full of hope. You've seen a promising trailer, and a good friend has assured you of the movie's merits. There's no way this could go wrong, you think to yourself as you settle into your seat. Then, of course, you witness the first few scenes. As you try digesting the horribly bland plot, you begin to question your friend's judgment. Maybe it gets better?

DOUBLETHINK

The body and the mind are at war with one another. Your mouth breaks into a half-smile at the forced humour, even as you cringe internally. The attempts at drama are about as interesting as Bangladeshi celebrity scandals, but you still ooh and aah along with the rest of the audience. Desperately searching for a redeeming quality in the dung-heap, you vow to re-evaluate your friendships.

KEEPING YOURSELF HOSTAGE

The movie stopped making sense about twenty minutes ago. It might as well be in Finnish for all the good it does, because right now you just want it to finish. You force yourself to stay, however. There's no way in hell you'll let the hefty ticket price go to waste, so you continue watching.

The scenes keep ploughing on, but your mind is elsewhere. You start thinking about some of the deeper mysteries of life, like the purpose of human existence. Why are we here, just to suffer? Next you recall the embarrassing things you did and said in 3rd grade. God, were your decision-making skills bad. Of course, not as bad as they are now. While we're alluding to the movie, does it even know what it's trying to do anymore?

ACCEPTANCE

Once you've made peace with the fact that you're never getting those two-and-a-half hours of your life back, you cheer up. As the depressingly predictable plot twist hits and the movie chugs to its uneventful climax, you realise this is a learning experience.

Even if the experience hasn't led to you gaining Paolo Coelho-esque wisdom quips, one thing is for certain -- your friend is horrible at recommending movies. Time to take out your frustrations on them, and send multiple passive-aggressive smileys. 

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