Everybody Needs a Rick | The Daily Star
12:00 AM, September 14, 2017 / LAST MODIFIED: 12:00 AM, September 14, 2017

Everybody Needs a Rick

Given the ubiquitous memes and short clips all over the internet, you must have come across one of the best motivational speakers of our time. No Ron Dumsany can even come close to the eighty year old mad scientist named Rick Sanchez from Adult Swim's animated series, Rick and Morty. With his dark humour, nihilism, complete disregard for human affection yet oddly uplifting philosophy, Rick is the perfect remedy for existential crisis, heartbreak and low self esteem. Or, you know, the cause of it.

Here are the reasons why I think we all need a Rick in our lives:

1. When you're already overburdened with countless hours of school and private coaching on weekdays, but your school decides to stay open on a Saturday, let Rick would be your voice of reason. Here's what Rick would say to your adamant mum and dad, “I'll tell you how I feel about school: It's a waste of time. Bunch of people runnin' around bumpin' into each other, got a guy up front says “2 + 2,” and the people in the back say, “4.” Then the bell rings and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a d**p or somethin'. I mean, it's not a place for smart people. I know that's not a popular opinion, but that's my two cents on the issue.”  You could try saying this to your parents yourself, but I don't think the outcome will be desirable.

2. When you're going through a bad break up or wasting your life away because of your unrequited love, rest assured, Rick will mend your heart, possibly in a way that you will never feel a thing, ever again.  He might say something in the lines of, “I hate to break it to you but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle. Rise above. Focus on science". And maybe you should, after all, focus on science.

3. It's your sister's wedding and she's going absolutely berserk, stressing over every minute detail that isn't done meticulously. In fact, she's on the verge of tearing up and ruining the super expensive makeup that took the beauty-parlour-make-up-person hours to finish. The solution is Rick. Rick in between his countless burps would sit her down, look her in the eyes and tell her that “Weddings are basically funerals with cake.” And that would fix the problem (or cause the unfortunate groom to go back home, which I don't think would be a bad move on his part).

4. You know how sometimes at night, when you're tired but not sleepy and you're simply tossing around in bed thinking about all the “ifs” and “buts” of life? And you know how the thought spiral goes out of hand as you delve deeper and deeper until you've built a labyrinth in your brain that you can't get out of? That's when you most definitely need Rick. In fact, Rick would stop you even before you went down the thought spiral. Now, given the scenario that you're sleeping alone and conjuring up all these thoughts quietly in your head, Rick would telepathically get in there and scream, “What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer? The answer is: Don't think about it.”

5. How about those times when you give in to peer-pressure and do the rebellious act that you know for sure will get you killed, or worse, expelled, just so you look cool and badass? Remember what Rick said, “Think for yourselves, don't be sheep.”

6. And finally, Rick will teach you how to overcome your fear and deal with all the curveballs that life throws at you. He will tell you, “I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around and it's all scary and different, but you know… meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull – that's how we grow as people.” But…if it's a piranha-toothed-hundred-eyed-drooling-monster that's ready to crush your bones into a billion pieces, then you better run in the opposite direction.

If everything fails, and you've managed to cronenberg the world up, follow these three simple steps:

* Scream out Wubba-lubba-dub-dub

* Turn up music

* Get Schwifty

 

Farah Masud is a humanbean and that is all you need to know about her. Please don't try to contact her anywhere, especially not in person. 

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